business, advising, nanowrimo

I sat down with my advisor yesterday to work out my schedule for next semester. I've been pretty stressed lately, as those of you who are waiting for return phone calls (or to talk to me on the phone for more than 30 seconds) probably have realized. I've been at least committing myself to work, in that even if it means staring at one word in a poem for ten minutes, or actively journaling on the escalator to the Metro, or clicking around on the Internet to find different interpretations of Moby-Dick, I work. For about 12 hours a day, including classes. At my desk, at the dining room table, on the couch, at the library, on the roof, on the quad, in the department lounge. Anyway, I'm having a rough week, because for all the staring and clicking and reading I do, I still don't understand this poem I presented on today in one of my literature classes. But I had a meeting scheduled for yesterday, and I went, and the conversation went something like this.

Denise: How are you?
Me: I'm all right, how are you?
Denise: I'm good. You're all right?
Me: Yep.
Denise: What's wrong?
Me: Oh, you know...
Denise: Overwhelmed?
Me: Yes.
Denise: Is it the lit. classes?
Me: It's totally the lit. classes.

She was really supportive, and basically said if I fail this class, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. Even if I get an A in her class, a B in the other class, and a C in this awful class, I'll still have the B average I need to maintain. She told me I'm a good student. Professor Sha told me I'm a conscientious student. He even emailed me today after my presentation to tell me I did well.

I think what I'm doing by throwing myself into work, even in the classes I've been doing well in since the beginning of the semester, is trying to be the student my professors think I am. I act conscientious, but am I really conscientious? I guess I'll have to be. I'm feeling more and more like I have to prove myself, my worth in the program. Some people don't ever prove that worth, I suppose. I don't want to be one of those people.

Along with the specific expectations, of what we're supposed to turn in, the classes we're supposed to take, the events we're supposed to attend, there's this idea that we're supposed to be writers now. Some people, I'd imagine, leave the program and never write again ever.

I don't want to be one of those people. I think to avoid that you have to really want it though, and I'm trying to devote as much time as possible to writing.

That's part of the reason I signed up for National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo), where you're expected to write 50,000 words between November 1 and November 30. The point is quantity, not quality. The 50,000 words are going to be crap. Check out the website at nanowrimo.org if you're interested in learning more, and I'll update here with my status as the time allows.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking. You're at school for 12 hours a day, Jenny. How does this fit in?

I'm not sure. I guess I'll have to be more organized. And as I was discussing with another participant today, even if we get 25,000 words done it'll be worth it. But I really do need this.

Less than two months....the semester will be over...and I'll be the happiest person alive.